For me, learning to handle my depression has been like fighting my base instincts. The difficult thing is, I can’t fight it, fighting it doesn’t help, I have to accept it and move through it, not around it. My analytical mind, which I pride myself on at work, works against me when it comes to emotions. Trying to figure out why I’m so anxious, or so down, leads me to trying to “fix” it, which often results in no helpful outcome, and instead sends me into a self-critical downward spiral. My biggest lesson at my therapist recently was learning to tell myself, when I’m in these moods, It’s okay to feel down. It’s okay to feel like a failure. It’s okay to be anxious. It’s normal, natural, and does not actually mean that you are a failure. It seemed like such obvious common sense when my therapist said it that I nearly spiraled down again, but I realized the irony in that and laugh-cried instead. I really struggle with self-compassion, but I’m learning.
I’ve started working through this book called The Mindful Way Workbook with my therapist and I have hope that it will really help me. The mindfulness practices they have you do are making me realize that being truly present in the moment can be a blissful escape from the craziness that is my mind, and can help me step back and be aware of myself, allowing me to make better choices before I let myself go on constant autopilot. I’m already learning so much about myself that I didn’t realize I didn’t know.
It’s seriously difficult though. There are just as many hard days as there were before. I just have some tools I can try using to make them a bit more bearable.